“close your eyes and breathe in your ruin” fake fic? dos kakashi?

This is definitely not a reference to anything, right? They’re two separate phrases which don’t appear anywhere together, right?

If it is a reference, sorry I missed it. Also, I’m gonna slap some parantheses on here; hope you don’t mind, anon.

close your eyes (breathe in your ruin)

Kakashi considers the shape of his failures and what it actually means to survive.

Or: the Team Sevens that was, never were, and is.

AKA Kakashi is always mourning even when he’s happy. Maybe especially when he’s happy.

We all know that Kakashi is the saddest string bean in existence and the title doesn’t really help matters, so instead of resisting I decided to lean into it.

This would definitely be a lot of Kakashi’s internal thoughts about his now dead team, the various genin teams Sandaime tried to foist off on him which he rejected, and his current team. And it features things like:

Comparing members of his first Team Seven to his current Team Seven. With some surprising match ups like Sasuke and Rin, Shikako and Minato. Though, of course, he does go through all combinations at some point.

The vaguest recollections of those genin teams he failed. Maybe the first one had a Nohara–Sandaime trying to hook him with sentimentality–but it was trite and that Nohara boy was nothing like Rin and Kakashi was offended that Sandaime thought it would work.

Imagining what the world would be like if his first Team Seven were still alive. Naruto would have grown up with a parent, of course, and Sasuke might not be so horribly alone. Would Obito and Rin have had genin teams of their own? Would Rin have been Sakura’s sensei instead of her going to the Medic Corps? Would Minato have a hand in Shikako’s burgeoning fuinjutsu education?

Etc. etc.

Not sure what else I can include in this brainstorm without outrightly starting to write this fic… Sorry it’s so short, anon. Uh please enjoy this fic rec which is the foundation for all my alive!Nohara Rin headcanons: Dinner with the Special Assassination and Tactical Squad by pentapus

Erm, but basically this fic would be about Kakashi the saddest string bean.

Fake Fic Challenge, any fandom, “In the Absence of Heroes” please!

In The Absence Of Heroes

Tragedies happen when the tropes are hungry and the heroes are in wrong goddamn story.

Good thing they aren’t heroes then.

Anon, this is very clearly a Disney’s Descendants fic in which the four Lost Kids end up in a different universe. I really don’t want re-use previous brainstorms because that seems a little unfair, but this would work PERFECTLY with that “Lost Kids in Naruto/DoS ‘verse and placed on the Konoha Twelve genin teams (to make Konoha Sixteen)” which is still, bizarrely, one of my favorites that I know for sure I will neeeeeever write.

Check out the link if you’re curious, since that would be my number one offering for this fake fic title/summary, but I guess I can come up with a runner up of sorts?

Hm let’s see…

Ugh, this is hard. Because, see, the great thing about the “Lost Kids in Naruto/DoS ‘verse” is that it really is a place without heroes. Or, rather, that heroes are relative there. Of course Naruto is the hero but he’s the hero of a society of mercenaries. Morality is different. Naruto doesn’t like killing and maybe it’s never been definitively shown that he has killed (I legit forget), but I’m pretty sure he has, at the very least, committed manslaughter via collateral damage to innocent people.

And this weirdly grey morality is something that I did get into in the brainstorm, but it just really fits for this prompt. I had, alternatively, considered more of a “In The Absence of Heroes… The Villains Step Up” type of direction but that seems almost too much of a stretch unless it’s–again, like another previous brainstorm Once Then Always – a world and a plot specifically crafted to turn them into heroes. And that itself has its own “morality is relative” sort of vibe. By getting rid of the White Witch the Lost Kids are, by default, the heroes regardless of their motivations or their process or what they do afterwards.

So what I’m saying is, this is still definitely a crossover but I’m not sure which morally ambiguous ‘verse to throw the Lost Kids into…

… A Song of Ice and Fire?

But I don’t think they’d go anywhere near the calamity that is Westeros–there are already far too many factions and subplots that if anything they’d just be a mere drop in the ocean, even though Mal is literally the daughter of a dragon–and there’s no real impetus like in the above mentioned brainstorms that would drive them towards any of the dozens of relevant primary protagonists.

Maybe Star Wars, but then comes the issue of when, where, and who. Like, okay, maybe Tatooine after Obi-Wan has brought Luke to the Lars couple but before the actual events of Episode IV. After he’s established himself as that weird hermit Old Ben, and time and the desert have worn away the worst of the hurts but not the entirety of his compassion.

Imagine Obi-Wan, about five to ten years into his self imposed exile, nothing but sand and his thoughts (and those pesky Tusken Raiders who are only now beginning to understand that he is not someone to be messed with) for company. Imagine him stumbling upon these four horribly ill-prepared children in the desert who might very well die if he doesn’t, at the very least, give them some water and point them in the direction of the nearest civilization.

Except three out of the four of them are, to some extent, Force sensitive. And he’s wary about letting them close, about caring–because look what happened to the last Force sensitive child he cared for, he went off and became a Sith Lord–but he’s also been living through the echoes of dying Jedi and he knows that these kids are as good as dead if he doesn’t, at the very least, teach them to hide their Force presence.

Obi-Wan is not actually that good at doing the very least.

The problem is, I like the contained plot of Obi-Wan finding the Lost Kids and training/teaching/raising them to varying extents (Carlos, despite not being Force sensitive whatsoever, is probably his favorite) and maybe that jump starts his mentorship with Luke? (Because now weird hermit Old Ben is now weird teacher Old Ben, and more connected with the “community.” And Obi-Wan thinks it’s not really fair to give these strangers nothing and not do the same for the boy that in a kinder world might have been his nephew of sorts).

But I don’t actually like what would logically follow next: the Lost Kids joining the Rebellion.  Because they would. They would have to. They were trained by one of the last Jedi and they definitely do not agree with the Empire (though their issue might be more a chaos vs conformity thing than a good vs evil thing).

… unless they join Saw Gerrera’s Partisans?

Which does seem in character–if the reason they leave Tatooine is because they’re becoming adults who want to do more and think Obi-Wan isn’t doing enough by just waiting on this desert planet, then I can very well see them joining the Rebel Alliance and thinking that they’re not doing enough, and so they split off and join the Partisans–though I’m not sure of the timing of everything. When did the Partisans split off? Would the Lost Kids being raised/trained by Obi-Wan help/hurt their cause? Etc. etc.

A foil to the Rogue One crew, I suppose.

I might also consider them appearing in Episode VII on Luke’s old Jedi temple planet, but without knowing how the following episodes will unfold, I’m hesitant to make any predictions there.

Hm… so yeah–here’s the runner up.

I have some more thoughts on this if anyone’s interested, but they’re more just random headcanons of this ‘verse as opposed to anything necessarily relevant.

Both Shikako Indiana Grylls Nara and Sasuke why-the-fck what-the-fck Policeman Uchiha star on Color Time at some point or another. It goes.. interestingly. Interesting because Shikako you were just SITTING DOWN Where did that sealing array come from?? And That One Guy from That One Episode on Sasuke’s cop show somehow gets involved?? Why is he here?? How Did He Escape?? The real miracle though is how everything was kept PG and still managed to be solved with Colors and Love.

😀 Pretty much, anon!

Shikako might actually have been there for a legit reason–after all, Naruto’s challenge for most interesting painting method is probably an ongoing contest and fuinjutsu-ing color onto a wall sound like it’d be fun. Or maybe using different colors for the same seal array leads to different outcomes?

Sasuke’s is more of an accidental–the perp I’m chasing stumbled through an episode of Colour Time, thankfully all the would-be-censored parts were covered (possibly by a quick thinking Sai who just had a paint animal block the view)–and that very well could have been one of those bizarre “and painting out their feelings solved the problem.”

for the fake fic prompt, dreaming of sunshine, “spin me a song in the shadows of death”

… okay so I googled this and I could not figure out what this was from or what song these are lyrics out of so… um. Is this meant to a biblical reference to Psalm 23?

This is kind of long for a title, too? And… I don’t even…

I am bewildered, anon, but I’ll try my best.

Spin Me A Song (In The Shadows Of Death)

The ability to summon spirits is not a gift given lightly or often. Gods even rarer.

Shikako just wants to go home.

So, right from the outset I’m going to diverge from DoS Chapter 130. In the sense that, having been super traumatized by the events that took place in Land of Hot Springs, Shikako would VERY MUCH NOT LIKE TO GO BACK THERE, please and thank you.

So instead of having Heijomaru reverse the reverse summoning, Shikako travels through the Summon Realm in hopes of finding some of the other summon spirits that she is friendly with (Kakashi’s dogs, Sasuke’s hawks, Ino’s chameleons, Tsunade’s slugs, the other Nara clan summons etc. etc. Hell even Naruto and Jiraiya’s toads would be good though she has no idea where they are except for Not In Konoha, but as long as that is also Not In Land of Hot Springs then she’s okay with that too. If pushed she’d probably be okay with the cats of the Neko-baa in Soraku, though given the pawprint encyclopedia mission she’s probably persona non grata in their territory).

Um, yeah. I don’t know if this is canon/fanon/headcanon but are the summons spirits from a parallel plane that can’t die in our world? Like… any hit that would be lethal would just send them back to their realm. Is that just me? Have we seen summons die canonically? I know Gamabunta has a wicked scar over his eye but we don’t know what that’s from.

Anyway. I figure that while that pseudo-immortality works in the human world, in their own realm they’re as mortal as normal.

Why is that important?

Well, the summon realm is a dangerous place and not only for humans. There’s a reason why each species have their separate territories and that’s because they do not naturally co-habitate. So Shikako wanting to leave the deer territory and find her friends’ summons to be brought back to the human realm is a VERY RISKY UNDERTAKING. I… don’t think the deer will go with her.

Don’t get me wrong. She is their summoner (their only summoner, apparently) and they are fond of her and they did have a mutual vow of alliance. But I think that only covers the deer coming to Shikako’s aid in the human world. Heijomaru’s offer to go back to the place she was summoned from with her is his only offer. Her deciding to wander the summon realm for an alternative way home is not one that he can commit himself (as the leader of his herd) or any of his herd. They can actually legit die in this realm unlike the human world.

They do probably have some summon alliances with the species whose territory are near them but those aren’t any Shikako is familiar with. Alternatively, there’s huge swathes of unclaimed and thus unprotected land between established territories. The deer probably give her a map or at least directions to the listed above summon species and their territories, but it’s a long journey fraught with many dangers and, again, Heijomaru would prefer it if Daughter of the Forest not do something so reckless.

Heijomaru does not know Shikako very well yet.

So a journey of self-discovery, I suppose. Many moons ago, Shikako had been considering reverse summoning herself to figure out what her most compatible summon creature would be–though she took the path of least resistance and went for the already established contract with the deer.

Sure it’ll take a while. Might be dangerous. But so long as it’s not going back to that place of horror, Shikako doesn’t mind wandering around the Summon Realm for a while.

And hey:

Guess who else can be summoned?

That’s right, the Shinigami. 😀

I don’t actually think that Minato and the Sandaime–who both have other summons, anyway–went this route to get the ability/fuinjutsu sequence to summon it. But it is, according to the naruto wiki, apparently affiliated with the Uzumaki clan. So some enterprising Uzumaki clan member many maaaaaaaany moons ago apparently thought this was a good idea.

Maybe the fuinjutsu sequence that Minato and the Sandaime use are the equivalent of the single use summoning scroll that Sembei had to originally introduce Shikako to Heijomaru?

Anyway. The point is, Shikako meets the Shinigami in her quest to go home. Maybe they talk about godhood, maybe they don’t seeing as how traumatizing the last god she spoke to was.

~Spiritual journey~ (literally).

Aw man, I just realized Aoba had a summoning contract with crows right? Ravens? Well, Shikako definitely stumbles on them and there’s conflict/grieving/emotional reparations/closure.

@saltykrispycake RE: Manda… according to his wiki page the timing might have been that even though the death blow came from the human world (Deidara’s explosion) the actual time of death/receipt of injury could have been in the summon realm which is why Suigetsu had to summon Manda (and Sasuke inside Manda) to his location. I’m unsure though…

I’ve been reading through a lot of animal spirits/guides stuff, and horses have been big symbols of motivation, personal drive (one site said: “A driving force, what you thrive for or carries you in life”), freedom of expression, practicality, and all of that just screamed “Shikako” at me lol. (Random thought that I wanted to share, hope you don’t mind haha))

🙂 I’m guessing this isn’t a prompt for the fake fic titles ask box event, though I did briefly consider something like:

What You Thrive For

In order to improve Nagaoka the fawn’s battle ability, Shikako sends him to a place where ungulates have schools of magic.

Equestria will never be the same again.

Except… I don’t really know anything about My Little Pony so I can’t follow up on this.

Anyway, thanks for sharing, anon, and I hope you found this fake fic summary amusing. 😀

I love the implication that Konoha just jumped on the reality tv bandwagon because you can’t script anything weirder than whatever happens to Team 7, no matter the genre.

Well, given the trend of shinobi over time (actual shinobi world war to festival like chuunin exams) I wouldn’t be surprised if all the villages are joining in the media arms race.

Konoha has a bit of a head start seeing as how Team Seven were literally in a blockbuster movie, and not to mention that they’re the first ones to stumble into the reality tv format. Why fix what isn’t broken?

Actually, maybe different villages specialize in different formats? Konoha is tv documentary, Sand is animation–edit: The Muppets thanks @azersol, how could I be so foolish?–Cloud is musical competitions (ABDC and The Voice), etc. etc.

!!!Color Time!!!! And of course Gai is the ultimate kunoichi. XD But also if Shikako is Indiana Jones and Naruto and Sai are kids TV … what’s Sasuke’s accidental Team7 fame?

😀

The easier one to come up with is Sakura–now the beautiful badass ingénue of the Naruto world’s equivalent of Grey’s Anatomy. She is both the hopeful optimist of the hospital drama and also the smoldering heartthrob (those muscles! those eyes! wooow! Other member of the Medic Corps swoon dreamily whenever she passes).

Kakashi as Hokage and the poor haggled administrative team headed by Iruka-sensei trying to wrangle him into respectability. A lot of The Office-like confessionals, crying in the supply closet, deadpan staring at the cameras.

Sasuke’s is very difficult, though…

OMFG, I KNOW WHAT TO DO.

If Sasuke rebuilds the Konoha Military Police with his ANBU training, I imagine there are a lot of… basically Cops meets Maury? A lot of censored faces, a lot of sordid shenanigans. His show started off as a sort of… the police wear body cameras less for the accountability (because I like to believe that fictional police are better than IRL police) and more for evidence collecting. But then he kept getting involved in really weird cases. Not even dangerous ones, but things like: this civilian is having an affair with four different shinobi but that’s not what he’s in trouble for. That civilian keeps drunkenly stealing apples? Just. Why? Why is he naked?

Or, he’s called into way too many three AM domestic disturbances. Thankfully no spousal abuse, but things like: a fight on whether or not one partner should be allowed to get a pet tarantula. Whose turn it is to wash the dishes. Except, considering they’re shinobi, it turns into this huge production.

Sasuke probably hoped for something respectable like a crime procedural shows–CSI or something like that. Lol, nope.

‘paint with all the colours of the wind’ Sai; Naruto

I know what this is referencing, but for some reason I just cannot get this Teen Wolf fic out of my head. More specifically the fake children’s TV show that Scott and Stiles have and the catchphrase in which Scott says “I have rainbows in my daydreams,” and the audience is meant to shout back “Paint the world!”

I guess in the accidental-television-celebrity ‘verse that has Shikako as the equivalent of Indiana Jones and Bear Grylls I would totally want Sai and Naruto to have a kids show that’s a little bit like the one Scott and Stiles have in that fic.

A little Reading Rainbow meets Bob Ross, I suppose, with the adorable epic friendship of Troy and Abed from Community… relationship?

Also, in my defense, Naruto has already made his media debut in the same movie Shikako did. Except where she got the my older brother is dead action-adventure potential sequel subplot, Naruto got to hit the bad guy with a Rasengan of RAINBOW CHAKRA and if that isn’t a potential spinoff of it’s own about defeating negativity with colors and art and friendship then…

I lost track of where I was going with that.

So basically anon:

Paint With All The Colours Of The Wind

According to Naruto, every episode of Colour Time is their best episode ever. According to Sai that is a denotationally impossible statement.

Regardless of who is right, they’re both having fun and that’s all that matters.

(The ratings are nice, too)

Like with Shikako, they probably stumble into children’s television stardom accidentally–Team Seven luck holding strong and all that–I’m thinking Naruto and the Konohamaru corps are trying to explain the painting things for fun. Sai doesn’t quite get it because, not only are his paintings practical literal weapons, but also graffiti is against the law and won’t the Hokage be mad at them?

The Hokage is mad at them, but the Hokage is also wilier than them (not sure if I’m talking about Tsunade or Kakashi at this time but it applies to both) and not only has them clean up the mess but also has them tagged for all the painting related D-ranks in perpetuity.

Murals everywhere.

The Konohamaru corps are probably also punished alongside them for the “first episode” but after that it’s always a different genin team.

And I guess they go around painting fences and houses and etc with charming murals (there was a lot of rebuilding, wasn’t there? Functionality was prioritized over aesthetics, but better late than never right?)

And because Team Seven luck, something always goes… sideways with these punishment D-rank missions. Nothing DANGEROUS, but definitely weird. And, of course, the power of art saves the day?

Like, early on the problems are actually pretty small. Two of the genin are fighting and Art and Friendship helps resolve their differences. Then at one point there’s two businesses who can’t agree on their shared wall or are rivals or something and because Art and Naruto’s empathy and Sai’s more practical problem solving they join up and are now a combination bakery and blacksmith. Which is not a thing one would think would go together but is unsurprisingly very popular in Konoha.

And it escalates.

They don’t really leave Land of Fire (not as well traveled as Shikako’s bizarre fuinjutsu trips) but they do move beyond Konoha. Possibly even to the Daimyo’s court where somehow the bitter decision of succession is solved when all of the Daimyo’s heirs just… paint it out? And realize they all love each other as siblings? And most of them realize they don’t want to be daimyo or only like part of the responsibilities and, hey, how convenient that they’re all complementary parts. I don’t know.

Like Shikako’s adventures, Colour Time starts pretty low-tech. Photos of the respective murals and the murals being popular installments of art, the painting process (with Naruto’s more creative methods including but not limited to: paint balloons, wind jutsu, just throwing an entire paint can at the wall, bodily rolling in paint and using his clothes as a roller, his hair once and never again, Rasengan pretty frequently until the Hokage made him stop, etc) getting recorded and uploaded by the respective genin teams. Sai just tends to use brushes at first. Until he becomes more comfortable with himself and makes COLORFUL PAINT ANIMALS WHO THROW THEMSELVES AT THE WALL and thus beats all methods Naruto has used thus far.

I think I’ve gotten off track?

I guess maybe if graffiti artists were also children’s television hosts that’s what Colour Time would be. And ninja.

That fantasy au has given me another ten years of life

image

😀 Isn’t the Fairy tale!AU just so fantastic? (aaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy)

But in all seriousness, thanks! Mostly thanks to @wildtabbykat for the prompt!

I was thinking the bijuu would be more like dragons in this AU, but the bijuu as Naruto’s giants would work too.

fake fic, dos, “seven deadly sins”

Seven Deadly Sins

Even heroes have flaws. Team Seven just happens to have more than most.

Oh anon, this has to be an extended Team Seven character study right? Like with each of the members as a respective deadly sin. I mean, I don’t know what else would match so perfectly? Let me just figure out which character is which sin, I guess?

I mean, I suppose it doesn’t necessarily have to be canon DoS extended Team Seven. Perhaps this is set in the Friendship Is A (Mutual) Con ‘verse? Regardless it’d still be character studies of sorts, perhaps different POVs of a greater heist/mission…

Actually, yeah lets go with that.

It starts with Sai, dressed up as a waiter with a platter of hors d’oeuvres. Gluttony. In his mind he’s thinking about how he’s empty. How he’s always hungry. No matter what he does or what he eats it all just tastes like ink on his tongue. Nothing can sate him. He’s a yawning black hole that consumes and consumes.

He holds the platter out, watches as a man takes one unheedingly and begins to eat. Begins to choke. The hors d’oeuvres have scallops in it and the man is allergic to shellfish. The man also has access to the building’s security system.

It’s okay, there’s a medical student in the crowd, she can mitigate the allergic reaction, and if she hands off the man’s key card to Sai while opening his shirt collar so he can breathe? Well, who notices the waitstaff?

Paramedics show up, take the man away–just in case–and Sakura is the darling of the gala just as planned. “Your necklace is beautiful,” she says to the CEO who comes to thank the hero of the hour in person.

Envy for Sakura, then. At having to play distraction. At having to stay in this relatively safe and boring role. DoS or not, she wanted to be more involved. She wants to be a proper field agent, like Shikako, wants to be where the action is not outside as decorative and useless as a flower.

Better than getting ogled and groped by ladies (and men) old enough to be his grandparent, Sasuke thinks, drifting closer and closer to the guarded doors. Lust. Probably some wordplay to make that bloodlust, too, because while he can’t exactly go around punching rich old ladies (and men) at the very least he gets to “drunkenly” fight the security team, enough for the rest of Team Seven to go through.

He gets a very stern talking to, which ought to have been getting booted out of the gala, but he does look very nice in his suit so…

Over the comms, Naruto laughs, his own outfit less formal and more “cat burglar.” Sai has control of the cameras, has been narrating the goings on of everyone for intel and for fun, as well as some of the alarms, but there’s a field of lasers and pressure sensors that can only be turned off in the morning or by a panel on the other side of the room. It’s okay, Naruto’s got this. Pride. He’s the best.

After a no doubt amazing montage of Naruto breakdancing out of the way of lasers and disarming the room for Shikako to scuttle through. There’s a vault and between the two of them they open it quickly. Inside the vault, though… they’re only supposed to take the contents of one of the boxes–the one Kakashi-sensei told them to–but somewhere in here are the blueprints for prosthetics that have been bogged down by red tape because it’s not profitable enough. Greed. She needs it for her brother.

Cut to Tenzou, arm around another guard’s neck, slowly lowering them to the ground as they fall unconscious. Sloth. He’s only supposed to be back up, doesn’t approve of this job really, why are they taking so long? They should have been in and out minutes ago.

And along comes Kakashi, sauntering in, subtly waving Sasuke and Sakura away. Eying one of the security cameras, knowing Sai will pass on the order. He wasn’t supposed to be on site, not really. It’s his job but he’s too emotionally invested. This was the company that killed Obito–and Rin, years later, when she began asking too many questions. Kakashi goes to the CEO and dispenses his Wrath.

… So… if you’ve ever watched Leverage (which I highly recommend, it’s on Netflix and maybe Hulu too?) you probably know exactly what I’m imagining here…