we were unafraid,
for there was little, then, to fear.
our monsters easily banished,
with a flick of a light switch.
now our monsters are legion,
hiding anywhere, as anyone,
instead of being fearless,
we must now be brave.

may passion find a home within you,
may joy be a frequent guest,
may sorrow visit fleetingly
and anger, too, be quick to rest.

what did we used to say to each other?
one day, one day,
we’ll get out of here;
one day, one day,
we’ll be older, stronger;
one day, one day…
… this won’t happen again.

on silent feet,
down darkened steps,
she treads.
night has fallen,
the sun beings sleep,
time for her to wake.

jacksgreyson, Untitled (2017-04-10)

Untitled (2017-04-09)

“Come here,” your grandmother says, the same confident tone as always–that all who hear her, maybe the very world itself, will conform to her whim–the smallest gesture of her hand to punctuate the statement.

You obey immediately, walking forward and stopping just short of where she is seated, the dust and dirt from your trousers brushing against the vibrant blue and purple blanket draped over her lap. You can’t meet her eyes, locked on to your own intertwined and fidgeting fingers.

“I said, come here,” she repeats, reaching up towards your face–you crouch down to accommodate her. The grip around your chin is firm but not painful. She turns your head this way and that, inspecting, and you follow as she moves you. You lean into her hand, skin thin and cool and papery, bony and frail, and yet comforting.

When she pulls her hand away, it is wet with your tears.

You haven’t seen her in so long.

“What is with that hair?” she asks, and your immediate laughter in response is wet and nasally, clogged.

“It’s the style,” you say, “Asymmetry is in.”

“Hmph, I know that,” she says, “But it’s so messy! Don’t you comb it?”

You don’t own a hairbrush. It’s short enough that you can just run your fingers through it get rid of tangles.

You cannot tell this to your grandmother, who was a school matron and known citywide for her poise and etiquette.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, instead, patting the empty seat beside her.

You collapse into it, slouching towards her, never mind your terrible posture.

“I didn’t mean to,” you say in a quiet voice, small and simple and sorry, as if you were still the four year old that broke your grandmother’s prettiest tea set out of curiosity. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

You did much worse than destroy heirloom ceramics this time around.

She raises a hand to your face once more, but you close your eyes–you can’t bear to see the disappointment on her face.

Without sight, your other senses are amplified. The scent of your grandmother’s flowery perfume, the contrast of the chair’s upholstery against the scraping, crunching, of shattered glass on pavement.

The sound of sirens, fire flickering, metal and gasoline and smoke on the air.

“I didn’t mean to,” you repeat, and cry again.

More than that broken tea set, more than your messy hair and the dust on your trousers and your terrible posture. More than the cuts on your arm and the blood oozing through your shirt and what you think is a bone shard poking through your forearm.

More painful and shameful and awful than all that is telling your grandmother–who you loved so much, who you have not seen in eight years–that you didn’t mean to die…

… and her knowing that you are lying.

It was never about finding the truth,
never about finding passion,
or your purpose in life.
It was about surviving,
about scraping out an existence
and saying:
here I will stand,
here I will stay,
this is where I draw the line.

Sometimes your line gets smudged.
Sometimes your hands get tired,
aching muscles,
skin gone metallic and sweaty
from the hammer and chisel.
Carving out a mountain untouched,
far from the rivers and the seas–
no limestone or gypsum here.

Tonight you laugh,
tonight you cry,
tonight you remember to feel.
Music in the air, swooping and light,
bells, flutes, and piano trills,
punctuated with brass and playful drums.
Your body wants to dance,
though you don’t have the choreography.

What is today?
A friend you’ve not seen in ages.

jacksgreyson, Untitled (2017-04-08)

everyday, a bottle
thrown to the ocean
secrets and wishes written inside

i am here, i am here, i am here,

island slowly slinking
storm on the horizon
waves encroaching,
sand washed away

don’t let me drown

We were a series of missed connections,
meetings and encounters unaligned.
I could have loved you,
was halfway there,
until we drifted apart.

Across the room,
our eyes first met,
commiserating smile dimpling your cheek.
Listening to a fool,
and trying not to laugh,
I might have fallen in love with that smile.

A few days later,
the second time,
a spark of recognition and pleased surprise.
You introduced yourself,
hair dark against the pale pink of your shirt,
so sweet, the curve of your neck.

Third followed soon,
later that night,
lights dim, music thumping, glasses in hand.
The crowd pushed us together,
but you linked our arms and drew me close.
Head resting against my shoulder.

It would have been a beautiful beginning.

I couldn’t find you after that night.
I had your name but not your number.
I didn’t even think to ask,
hadn’t understood until it was already too late.

I might have seen you in the library, once,
separated by glass walls and a flight of stairs.
Breathless, reckless,
more falling than walking,
I tried to catch you,
and found only an empty desk instead.

Your name was a beacon,
I interrupted so many conversations,
a lovestruck fool.
Maybe you would have laughed.
But none of them were you,
and the months passed.

I could have loved you.

jacksgreyson, Untitled (2017-04-07)

Untitled (2017-04-06)

Like ringing in your ears,
or leaves rustling in wind;
Everything muted, untouchable,
but still real. Still true.

I follow the beating of your heart,
every step that much closer to you.

I am silver,
fragile and tarnished;
you are gold,
no rust no to fear.

And yet.
Wood rots, stone erodes,
but after the end we will still be here.

I do not love you,
then or now;
But maybe one day,
I will remember how.

Fingers rubbing at the shell of her ear, tugging on the lobe, nails scratching at skin. Nerves, frustration; futile, pent up energy and only this slow trickle of expulsion.

She walks, head lowered, eyes to the ground. Mindful of cracks and divots, the soles of her shoes scraping against concrete. Noisy, traceable, anchored down. She is silent otherwise.

Shoulders tensed, she turns and stops, daring the world to come for her. She drives too fast and eats as she pleases, ending every night furtively typing beneath her blankets.

She is risk averse and prone to a sedentary lifestyle, but in this case wouldn’t change be the safer choice?

~

A/N: Today was cloudy and rainy and cold and I LOVED IT.

Clearly this means I should move to, like, Seattle or something…

what does it say
that i am more
suicidal in spring?
that rain and clouds
rejuvenate me,
while sunlight
saps my strength.

what does it say
that waking up
before my alarm
always disappoints?
that morning sounds
only grate and
frustrate me.

what does it say
that i press my temple
rhythmic tap tap
imagining
that i rattle around pills
shaking, enticing,
reckless driving habits

i bleed and calculate
the volume
of my music
deafening, blasting,
i want desperately
the end of spring

jacksgreyson, Untitled (2017-04-03)

Untitled (2017-04-02)

“I didn’t think it’d be you,” he says, sitting across the table from her. The plate on his tray nearly overflowing with unappetizing, dark red mush.

“What?” Her fork pauses midway in its path to her mouth. A glob of distressingly orange macaroni falls, splattering messily. “Ah, geez, that’s going to stain.”

Almost apologetically, and yet, simultaneously,  unimpressed, he slides a napkin over to her.

“What is that?” she asks as a distraction, nodding at his own unfortunate choice of lunch while wiping furiously at her shirt. It is a lost cause.

“Beet surprise,” he answers.

Ew.

“You’re not curious about what I said earlier?” he asks, eyebrow raising.

It’s true that in the past ten years of knowing each other–the way people growing in the same small town know each other–they’ve maybe said less than twenty words. They aren’t exactly in different leagues, per se, but neither do they run in the same social circles.

She’s curious, but not enough to follow through. If he wants to explain, he will, if not then she’ll just chalk it up to a bizarre interaction and forget it in a matter of days.

She shrugs.

“I thought maybe it’d be Belinda,” he says, apropos of his opener. They both struggle not to stare at the school’s queen bee, before he continues, “her or maybe Kevin.”

Kevin. Her goofy looking, wall-flower of a best friend? Who could not be further from hyper-competent, stunningly gorgeous, Belinda? That Kevin?

“He volunteers at the library on weekends; Silva doesn’t let just anyone work there.”

Okay, now she’s just confused. “What does the old librarian have to do with anything?”

If anything, he looks confused right back, “He’s a magician, obviously,” which is bewildering enough until he adds,

“Just like us.”

She spends the rest of the school day vacillating between honestly contemplative, suspiciously irritated, and full blown discombobulated. She doesn’t so much mutter like a madwoman as she does make wildly disconcerting noises of confusion.

Kevin notices, says nothing, and offers her his emergency chocolate bar which is much appreciated even if it’s both melted and crumbly.

Once school is out, though, that’s a whole other story.

Mostly because resident rebel, weirdo who willingly chooses beet surprise over fake mac n’ cheese, and, apparently, teen magician Geoffrey Haider is leaning against her third-hand car impatiently.

“What are you doing?” she asks, drawing herself up to full height. At five foot three, it’s unimpressive, but it prompts Kevin to do the same. He’s gangly and awkward, but six feet plus of sharp bones and overlarge hoodies is more impressive than her own efforts.

“We’re going to the library,” Geoffrey–who doesn’t even have the decency to spell his name with a J–says, which deflates Kevin’s posturing immediately. Unsurprisingly, he loves the library, and would much rather do his homework there than in the food court of the mall where she works at the Hotdog on a Stick even if she does give him endless refills on lemonade.

Kevin turns hopeful eyes to her, and curse his boyishly endearing face.

“Fine,” she huffs, already trying to figure out an excuse to text to her manager, opening the trunk of the car and tossing her backpack inside, “But if I get fired, I’m blaming you.”

No way is she getting fired. The uniform for Hotdog on a Stick is a travesty, and no one but potheads and people with no shame are willing to work there.

~

A/N: … unsure where I’m going with this.

Untitled (2017-04-01)

A/N: Playing around with the famous storyteller bots collaboration website here, and I thought it was too hilarious to not share.

~

What about poetry?

Oleander,
soft as well as sweet,
delicate against my skin,
brutal within my blood.
I violently plunged for a girl,
who unquestionably could not love me back.

Edgar! Nevermore! Please, you are ruining my shapes.

Why unquestionably? Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good.

Why violently? He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.

Friedrich, that doesn’t answer my questions!

Apple seeds and sunflower petals,
as all marvelous children learn.

Marvelous? In everything one thing is impossible: rationality.

These beings of delight are not impressive in anyway. However, are they inherently delightful?

Children can zealously be cruel,
they can be heedless.
They, who didn’t smell the fire burning,
are braver, yes,
but reckless and uncaring.

Charles? There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths.

You’ve suddenly added a setting to this poem. Are these souls unburdened by melancholy on fire? Are they trapped?

Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.

Untitled (2017-03-30)

“I could die,” she said with a shrug, as cool as a cucumber. She said it the way one might say, “I could go for some ice cream,” or even “I could pick up some milk while I’m at the grocery store, if you’d like.”

The irony being, of course, that she was highly lactose intolerant.

Her offhand tone and casual demeanor nearly masked the content of her words, to which a generous narrator might attribute Jack’s belated, unhelpful response of:

“Um. Uh, Maybe?”

Unfortunately, the truth was that Jack was both awkward and frequently overcome by a dense fog of emotional incompetency. Now was one such occasion.

She laughed, if it could be called such. It was the laugh of a sailor encountering a shark in the middle of a hurricane–unimpressed, stressed, and yet, somehow, slightly amused. Toeing the line of hysterical, perhaps.

“You’re my best friend,” Jack said, rushed and cracked and desperately honest.

Ness sighed, “You’re mine, too.”

It was not new information and so, regretfully, it did not change anything.

There is a freedom in apathy; or so you think, at first.

It feels like ascending. Like leaving behind all of your worries and frustrations and grief. Like purging poison from your body, making you lighter–unburdened, relieved.

But not happier.

There is a danger in apathy.

Numb to pain, yes, but to pleasure as well. The things that used to make you smile are now overtired, trite baubles cluttering your space. Your favorite station is now just an annoying racket. Watering your little potted plant is a hassle.

You set your fingertips against an overheated panel and didn’t pull away until your skin began to blister.

But for a moment, you felt something.

Sadly, that something was curiosity.

~

A/N: This is the first time in a week that I got to go home before ten? And, also, there’s a clusterfuck going on at work, as per usual, but it’s NOT MY FAULT. I mean, I’m still going to be the one who has to fix it, but knowing it’s not my fault vindicates me greatly.

Untitled (2017-03-23)

There is a story of a young goddess who comes to the earth in the form of a golden bird, then, a woman of unparalleled beauty.

She meets a prince of noble heart and they fall in love, but alas she cannot stay, she must return to her home in the heavens.

The prince beseeches her to choose earth, to choose him, to choose love, and for the length of one moonless night she considers it.

But ultimately the decision is not up to her, nor is it the prince’s, for there are two more characters in this story:

The goddess’ heavenly handmaiden, sent to watch over her mistress, and the prince’s loyal bodyguard, stalwart but severe.

There are three endings to this story–all of them dependent on the dance between handmaiden and bodyguard during that long moonless night.

Every day, it seems, you are reminded of how powerless you are. Always two steps behind and one to the left. Everything, even yourself, designed around her and her desires. Clothing and food, activities and lighting.

In the summer, you carry a parasol to protect her complexion from the sun. When it rains the umbrella in your hand is to keep her dry. Music is always set to her rhythm, not yours.

This is how it’s been your entire life.

She has power over you and doesn’t seem to be aware. If you ask for a favor, you make yourself vulnerable–she may choose to be generous, or she may reprimand you for being so daring. She does not ask you for favors, she gives you commands.

This entire sojourn has been a misadventure from beginning to end, and you know when you return it will not be her skin beneath the lash or even her neck below the blade.

This is your first time on earth, too. You are also a goddess.

And yet.

Tonight your mistress has gone to her mortal, and there is no moon tonight. There is no one but yourself to know these truths. Your actions are safe from prying eyes.

Or so you think.

~

A/N: … sometimes you get to make your everyday problems sound super flowery and beautiful and pretend like they’re not your problems at all!