I like to picture different domestic set ups, and while there are some problems in Walking Around (Sharing The World) that has more to do with Sasuke and Gaara not liking each other more than the actual situation of multiple households and partners (being aware and tolerant/accepting of each other. This is the important part. I do not condone adultery.)
I also have a soft spot for Sakakoâs POV not quite understanding that her family is atypical, but being happy and safe and loved nonetheless.
Because when someone doesnât want to date me because Iâm poly itâs âunderstandableâ but when I donât want to date someone because they are monogamous itâs âridiculous.â
Because all relationship advice tells you that if you have feelings for someone else while youâre in a relationship youâre a bad person.
Because even feminists try to slut shame me.
Because when I tell people me and my partner have an open relationship they assume itâs because weâre going through a rough patch.
Because people equate âmultiple partnersâ with âpredatorâ and think everything I say is an attempt to get in their pants.
Because I am fed up of love triangles as easy plot devices in my media.
Because the LGBTQA+ movement are so desperate to show âalliesâ they are âjust like everyone elseâ that they shit on everyone with a non-monogamous dynamic.
Because when a monogamous couple have sex with each other every night itâs having an active sex drive. When I have sex with a different partner every night Iâm a nymphomaniac.
Because people think that monogamy = validity, always.
Because monogamous hetronormativity is so ingrained that I donât even feel like I can dance with someone without telling them the complete logistics of my love life.
Because people genuinely believe that raising a child communally is damaging to development.
Because when I say âI could never be monogamousâ I get dirty looks.
Because too many people have tried to confide in me when theyâre cheating because âI thought you, of all people, would understand.â
Because I canât talk about my relationship troubles with my monogamous friends because âI always have something to fall back on.â As if my relationships are meaningless.
(please reblog and add more if you like)
Letâs keep adding guys!
Because I frequently have people telling me to âsave some for the rest of usâ when I say someone is attractive.
Because Iâm sick of people acting like polyamory and polygamy are the same exact thing. Hint: itâs fucking not.
Because I want to be able to openly talk about my multiple partners without people immediately assuming Iâm monogamous and cheating on my partner.
Because Iâm fucking sick of people assuming my relationship is falling apart because I have sex with one partner more than another.
Because I canât fucking stand people thinking I donât love my partners equally and assuming I have to love one more than the other(s).
Because my single friends complain when I mention I have a crush on someone new.
Because Iâm comfortable with talking to all of my partners about each other and donât feel like Iâm cheating, because Iâm not.
Iâm seriously sick of the stigma behind being poly. There is a difference between cheating and being polyamorous. I talk to my partner(s) before I get involved in any way with another person or other people. If even one of them isnât comfortable with it I back the fuck up and I let my partners know of the situation and remind them that I love them and care about them and respect their opinions. I donât feel the need to force all of my partners into a âcommittedâ relationship with me if they arenât comfortable with it, especially if they donât like long distance relationships.
Get rid of the negative stigma behind being polyamorous and make it fucking positive.
Because folks assume I need lots of partners because I canât stand to be alone. (Hint: successful poly folk tend to have much stronger senses of self than paired monogamous folk.)
Because folks assume Iâm a terrible parent setting a terrible example because of my ârotating door of partnersâ (*cough* slut-shaming *cough*).
Because folks assume I have a sexual addiction. (Iâm on the ace spectrum, idiots.)
Because âit takes a village!â but apparently weâre not allowed to cultivate our own goddamn villages without being persecuted for it.
Because being poly and being queer often intersects, and no one knows how to have that conversation with their families because there are no positive examples of it in media.
Because even poly folk, lacking in precedent and role models, struggle with the difference between ânon-monogamousâ and âpolyamorousâ. (Hint: Theyâre not actually the same thing.)
I want genuine polyamory representation so much.
I want to be able to talk about my relationships casually among friends and people I work with without worrying if theyâre going to think Iâm a pervert or a bad person. And I donât mean I want to talk about sexâI want to be able to say âOh yeah, Iâm going to visit my partner and also their other partner who is my friend and Iâm really excited about it!â when weâre discussing holiday plans.
I donât want to feel like Iâm always hiding and negotiating my identity. I donât want to do that as a queer person and I donât want to do it as a polyamorous person either. I donât want to have to wonder if my loved ones really âgetâ my relationships or if they just assume itâs not really serious.
I donât want to have to feel like I need to run a polyamory education course every time I talk about my relationship status with someone new. I want to feel safe that in the future my relationships are not going to be undermined or encumbered by laws and bureaucratic procedures that will not be able to cope with the reality that is polyamorous relationships (looking at you, immigration laws). I want to know that other people get that poly relationships are real, valid, non-threatening, and not much of their business if theyâre not in one.
And I want that representation to acknowledge how racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, and classism all play into how different people experience polyamory and the erasure and misrepresentation that goes along with it and that being polyamorous isnât the *source* of oppression, itâs another place where the consequences of oppression manifest.
I want good representation of the diverse types of people who might choose polyamory, because asexual poly people exist, and Iâm tried of immediately being told âWow, you people must have a lot of sexâ as soon as I tell a monogamous person Iâm polyamorous. Iâm tired of people reducing my partners to their potential sexual value to me. I want good representation of the diverse types of people who might choose polyamory because when I talk about being in an open relationship, most people think of âswingersâ and âwife swappingâ and have a very heterosexual mental image that doesnât include queer, trans people like me.
I want more diverse representation of reasons for choosing polyamory, because being polyamorous doesnât mean Iâm incapable of monogamy or commitment, or even that Iâd be unhappy in the right monogamous relationship, yet thatâs what most people think Iâm admitting when I say Iâm poly. Some poly people would simply be miserable if they tried to be monogamous, and thatâs okay. But for some of us, polyamory is a choice rather than a necessity, and Iâd like to see that experience acknowledged.Â
I want good representation of different types and experiences of polyamory because I want more people discussing our language and coming up with alternatives. âPrimaryâ and ânonprimaryâ are inadequate and place value judgments upon different relationship structures, but I donât have better options. So often there arenât even proper words for the different ways I feel about different partners, or the different styles of relationships Iâve had.Â
I want good representation of healthy polyamory because acceptance of occasional jealousy/insecurity, open communication, and being a person of integrity who keeps promises and acts in good faith is a necessary part of sustainable polyamory, but most people just think of it as âbeing sluttyâ or âfear of commitment.â
I want good representation of healthy polyamory because Iâve had âpolyâ people tell me âif I were monogamous Iâd just cheat anyway so everybodyâs better off this wayâ and think that I as a fellow poly person would automatically sympathize with this statement of moral failure. I want good representation of healthy polyamory because some poly people DO cheat with people in committed monogamous relationships, and monogamous people take this as representative of the lifestyle rather than an aberration. I want good representation of healthy polyamory because Iâve seen âpolyâ people break promises to partners, wreck relationships, and cause lasting emotional wounding to those around them, but then dismiss it as âThereâs always more fish in the sea.â
I want good representation of healthy polyamory because most people who are nonmonogamous/poly have no idea how to conduct themselves respectfully, and thus normalize controlling, coercive, or abusive behavior solely because it happens in the context of nonmonogamy. I want good representation of healthy polyamory because then people being victimized by abusive partners in polyamorous/nonmonogamous settings would have a frame of reference for whatâs unacceptable behavior, and would be more able to protect themselves.
This is a polyamory friendly blog. Also, this post is very helpful in general.
While I have been witness to all types and manners of romantic relationships, I myself have never been in one. But Iâve always known–even before I knew the terms–that what I want isnât represented in heteronormative monogamous media. I especially hate how prevalent love triangles or adultery is in media–as if the show writers couldnât even conceive of a different way to interpret multiple people with romantic feelings towards each other.
Iâm going to be honest, I wasnât that fond of them before because, well, basically Kishimoto somehow ruined his original characters and his new characters simultaneously in the span of one chapter? (Iâm looking at you 700) But being able to reimagine next gen through the DoS lens has made me appreciate all of the characters more.
Like, now I want to figure out how the Konoha Twelve become adults and decide (or not) to become parents (or not). And, you know, sometimes theyâll mess upâtheyâre not going to be perfect at thingsâbut I feel like, just like how the generation before them (or, at least Shikaku) said fuck traditions, Iâm going to do what makes me happy and marry the woman I love, that their generation is going to do the same. Or at least try.
Letâs see⌠for Gaaraâs feelings about the situation⌠Heâs definitely less jealous than Sasuke but more⌠afraid almost? It has to do with his self worth and, you know, his continuous surprise that people love him.
The way I see it, he accepts the smallest bits of affection from people and doesnât expect more and heâs devoted to them in return (ie his love for Suna even though most people are still scared of him probably). And seeing as how Shikako is the first person who believed in Gaara, she gets to experience that first hand. Not Naruto, not his siblings, Shikako. And in DoS we see that heâs constantly surprised by how much faith she has in him (oh god my Shikaara feels).
So heâs not exactly expecting her to leave him for Sasuke for good, but he thinks he wouldnât be surprised. (He would be and also hurt, but since thatâs not going to happen itâs a moot point). That uncertainty and nervousness that the NGSS have with Sakako, Gaara has in a different way with Sasuke. And itâs not like he holds it against their kids for not being biologically related to Shikako, but a part of him reluctantly keeps in mind that Sakako is biologically hers.
â
Okay, so, regarding mono/poly relationships:
Itâs okay to ask your questionâit wasnât ignorant or rude or anything, and considering what Iâve been writing in my fic and A/N itâs totally relevant and not weird (I only took so long because I went to an event for five hours and I wanted my full attention when I answered this). So I would like to answer your question but I also am not exactly qualified, seeing as how I donât have much experience with relationships personally and more besides Iâm either demi/aro and ace.
That being said, I have witnessed a lot of different kinds of relationships and also somehow spent an entire year acting as some kind of romantic guru for a group of six women and their various respective partners and, trust me, there were a lot of situations coming up so⌠Iâll tell you what I know/think but I also warn you to take it with a grain of salt: I am no expert in this.
Different people obviously have different preferences and limits. And even then, those are general and occasionally there will be exceptions to rules. If we use Naruto characters then Iâd say something like:
Sasuke is monogamous. Not even a serial monogamist (which is someone who only dates one person at a time, but has dated multiple people in succession) butâlike I said in a previous postâa âone and doneâ monogamist. His âone and doneâ in DoS is Shikako, and his exception is Naruto. (Probably in canon, his âone and doneâ is Naruto and his exception is Sakura).
Which isnât to say that he never feels attraction to people who arenât Shikako (or Naruto) but it doesnât really settle. Itâs like noticing something on the side of the path, and you maybe stop and look at it, but you never actually go off the path or down a different path. Like, if Shikako (and Naruto) didnât want to be with him romantically, he probably wouldnât be with anyone romantically at all. Thatâs itâone and done (+ one exception).
⌠I donât know why I chose that path metaphor, it doesnât extend very well. Um⌠Keep in mind that mono vs poly doesnât correlate with romantic or sexual orientation. So Sasuke is probably demiromantic bisexual, but since weâre talking about mono/poly that doesnât really matter to this particular discussion. Also everything I say about charactersâ orientations and preferences is REALLY just my interpretation and not in anyway canon for DoS (or⌠actual canon, but thatâs just duh)
Shikako, in contrast, is poly. Itâs not like Sasuke is her one and Gaara is her exception, itâs if she finds someone she likes, sheâll let them know. If they like her back, and they understand her limits then thatâs it. If I didnât headcanon Kiba as aro pansexual (and her as demi/bi-ro and demi/ace) sheâd probably also be in a relationship with himâas it is their orientations donât really match up so theyâre just platonic bros.
Shikakoâs dislike of marriage/being tied down is separate from her being poly. Take the Sai-Ino-Sakura trio. They are poly and about as close to three-way married as legislation will allow them. Ino is poly, Sai Iâm not too sure about, and if Sakura is mono then sheâs a different kind of mono than Sasuke. Sheâs more a prioritizing kind of mono (not an actual term as far as I know) in the sense that she kind of ranks who she likes and since Ino ranks above Sai that makes Ino her one. Sheâs probably at least romantically attracted if not sexually attracted to Sai as well, but not as much as she is with Ino.
And Iâm not saying Sakura prefers Ino over Sai, or sides with Ino over Sai, or would drop Sai if Ino said so. But itâs like⌠for her, she and Ino are dating and Sai is their very close friend who happens to also be dating Ino. Itâs totally fine with her, and maybe sheâs even a little relieved (not just because Sai takes up more than his share of child rearing) but because she likes knowing that Ino is happy and loved and also appreciates someone else making her happy and loved. As a friend, she wants Sai to be happy and loved as well, but she feels no personal motivation/desire to BE the person who makes him happy and loved.
(I hope Iâm getting across here, anon, itâs hard to articulate and I keep waving my arms in crazy gestures as if that will help at all)
If Ino didnât want to be with Sakura, Sakura would probably move on to someone else, fall in love and be monogamous with themâsheâs a serial monogamist, if you want an example of one here.
Gaara I am also not that sure about, mostly because I feel like even he doesnât know? But if he is mono itâs definitely less like Sasukeâs one and done (+ one exception) and more like Sakuraâs serial monogamist. But he might be polyâhe definitely wouldnât say no to having a concurrent relationship with Naruto (but again, thatâs probably a bad example since Naruto seems to be a lot of peopleâs exceptions) while heâs with Shikako, but thereâs really not that many people who I can imagine him with romantically so the designation is a little difficult.
Well, okay, I have written Dreaming of S(elfishness) and I feel like that has my subconscious headcanons there so I just need to unpack it? Hm⌠Gaara is mono or thinks he has to be mono or didnât even know poly was an option, so when the engagement happened he didnât even think to discuss the possibility with Shikako which is why she was upset. Because as far as she understood his actions, he got engaged and didnât want to talk to her which she interpreted as him being mono and choosing Hokuto over her AND NOT TELLING HER ABOUT IT IN PERSON.
The problem with situation in the Walking Around series isnât so much that Sasuke is mono and Shikako is poly, itâs that Sasuke is a  possessive bastard and expects everyone to be the same. If it were two Gaaras, theyâd be more than okay with Shikako being with both of them some of the time. Okay, that sounds weird. If it were⌠If it were Toki and Gaara, (assuming Toki is mono which) they wouldnât have the same festering expectations/feelings of abandonment that Sasuke has.
Okay, thatâs not being fair. Another part of the problem is that Shikakoâs chosen partners are in different country and she literally cannot be with both of them at the same time. So Sasuke also resents that his and Sakakoâs time with Shikako is reduced so greatly. As I said before (in this previous post) if it were Kiba, Sasuke wouldnât mind nearly so much. Heâd probably even be willing to figure out a living situation that includes Kiba and the nonexistent Shikaba(?) childrenâmassive house, two houses next to each other, etc etc.
Mono/poly relationships are situational like most other relationships. In the Sai-Ino-Sakura trio, it totally works because theyâve probably got very clear channels of communication and even if Sai and Sakura arenât romantically together, they are friends and make it work. I have seen such a relationship work in the real worldâthe Ino and Sakura equivalents are getting married next year and the Sai equivalent is going to be maid of honor.
The Sasuke-Shikako-Gaara trio doesnât work because itâs not really a proper trio. Sasuke and Gaara? Do not like each other at all. They are not friends. Shikako was probably explicit about not being married to Sasuke, about being poly, but Sasuke probably didnât fully understand what he was agreeing to but isnât willing to break up with Shikako because sheâs his one. Iâve seen something almost like this and it⌠well⌠I kind of saw it failing from the beginning because of similar problems, but they wanted to try anyway. The Sasuke and Shikako equivalents were able to break up amiablyâbut the Sasuke equivalent wasnât the one and done kind of mono like her fictional counterpart so she fared better than Sasuke would.
It does depend on your limits and preferences. More people in a relationship does mean more limits and preferences and emotions to juggleâitâs difficult to manage, itâs true, but for some people itâs worth it. If you donât think you can handle a poly arrangement, then thatâs nothing against you, thatâs just outside of your limits. You and your partner have to be aware of that. If your partner is poly and youâre mono you both have to respect your differences: whether that means your partner stays monogamous even though they would prefer a poly relationship, or you accept their other partnerâmaybe youâll become friendsâor, maybe, you might just have to break up. Relationships are as much about function as they are about emotion. If you love each other but youâre not compatible, itâs better for both of you to not be together in that way.
And, you know, maybe youâll be more like the Sakura kind of monoâin that you personally are mono but you are okay (or even more than okay) with your partner being poly and having another partner. Monogamy can also be emotionally taxing, if you are each othersâ be all end all. If you are romantic partner and sexual partner and roommate and best friend and therapist and war advisor and financial partner all together and itâs a lot of pressure to be all of that for one person. Some people can do it. Some people canât.
I personally would probably be more of the Sakura kind of mono because Iâm always so relieved when the people I love have other people who love them too. And thatâs even if I were monoâI donât even know what I am, so itâs not weird to not know and be interested and wondering, still.
Love is hard and weird and relationships are complicated whether thereâs two people or three people or more than that. So long as everyoneâs clear on what they want and what their limits are and when theyâre not happy. Because itâs okay to enter a relationship not really knowing your boundaries and realize while youâre in the relationship that, hey, youâre not keen on this. You and your partner(s) will have to work out a way to fix this problem. Sometimes the solution may mean breaking up, but at least you still have the memories of when you were happy and learn more about yourself.
I think thatâs it. Wow thatâs long. I hope I answered your questions, even if you said I didnât have to. I did want to, really, it was just intense and I needed some time to wrangle the words.
(Speaking of, thanks! Iâm glad you like my writing â and even maybe some of my brainstorms/recordings if you mean all of the content on here? đ )
JackSGreyson Says 