re: the election… same. my girlfriend cried herself to sleep in my arms on tuesday night, and i pulled an all-nighter out of numb terror. i’m not blindsided by the results, but i am heartbroken. young, mentally ill, disabled, trans, queer person of color. i’m considering chopping my brilliantly dyed hair, because every white person i pass on the street makes me flinch. i’m scared, but i’m just repeating “we’re stronger together, we’ll make it” in my head. it’s keeping me going. *offers hugs*

*gratefully takes offered hug*

I’m sorry, my friend, stay safe. Already I’m beginning to dress more conservatively than before–scared to go outside in the bright, provocative colors and patterns of someone without fear. I’m far more hesitant than I was before. I walk now with shoulders hunched, head ducked down, just counting the seconds until I can get to the safety of my car or my home.

I just found out the UPS truck driver that makes deliveries in my office building voted for Trump. I also, with shuddering disgust and fear, found out that he thinks I’m sexually attractive and has said as much to my one of my coworkers. Thankfully, said coworker is a man of color and has basically shut that down, but still. What the fuck.

How the fuck does the UPS guy think that’s going to work out? What was he expecting from my coworker much less from myself? What the absolute fuck.

No more shorts or sleeveless tops or skirts–autumn weather, thankfully, makes jeans and long sleeves and shape-obscuring jackets acceptable. But still. When the weather changes back, will I feel safe enough to return to that? My hair is cut short, enough that people notice–a statement style, asymmetric and shorn on one side. Will I have to grow that out? I’m not currently dating anyone, but I always liked having the possibility–will that still be something I can look forward to one day? Or will I have to hide my sexuality, tucked away like skin beneath layers of cloth.

I’m scared, too, anon. It’s shitty. Keep what joys you can, but do what you must to stay safe. Find your allies, stick together. It’s as you said: we’re stronger together, we’ll make it.

… I know this isn’t the content you’re here for. And I’ve been doing all of my USA election related posts on my other blog keeping that in mind. But I think, given some of my other posts on here that are far more personal, that you can indulge me a little.

I’m scared.

And, like, yeah okay. I know it’s not the end of the world. I know that tomorrow the sun will come up and I will still have a job and a roof over my head and enough money to buy what I need and some of what I want. I know there are people with way worse of situations.

But I’m still scared.

I’m a young queer female person of color and I just found out how much my country hates all or even just one aspect of my identity. I thought this was in the bag. I thought–there’s no way such an overtly awful person can win. I thought I’d be safe.

And, yes, I am to some extent. I live in California, so at least I know that the majority of people I pass in the streets don’t hate my existence. I am lucky enough to live in such a state. But there were still that 34% who voted for Trump–and yes, those are probably in counties that I have never been to and will never need to go to, but still. That’s one out of every three people.

I’m sitting here shaking, having trouble breathing. I’m scared.

I can’t imagine what it’d be like to live in one of the red states. Fuck, I have family in Florida–tomorrow they’ll have to walk around not knowing which half of the population hates their guts and which 5% couldn’t give a damn at how much shit is going to come their way.

It’s not… I can’t even hate them back. I’m not angry at nonvoters or third party voters, though I know a lot of people are. I don’t even know if I’m disappointed because I think I’m still in shock. I’m afraid. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s just not logical.

I don’t understand.

I’m scared.