Writing Workshop – Concrit Please!

jacksgreysays:

I just finished a draft of my script for the writing workshop and I would love it if everyone could take a look at it and comment with some constructive criticism!

The link is here–it’s a Google Doc which I’ve set so that people who have the link can comment.

My odds of getting my script produced increased because some people dropped out, so now I have a 3/14 chance!

Wish me luck! Or, better yet, point out the obviously awkward parts of my script! I’d appreciate it greatly! 😀

Updated draft, still the same link! Would appreciate any feedback 😀

Ode to 11010201 Redux (2017-06-28)

“The Premier Gemini Witch is coming to Belleview next week,” Doctor Kaiza said, apropos of nothing.

Zim, carefully organizing all of the potion ingredients in a chromatic gradient, shrugged and gave an uncertain and noncommittal, “Okay.”

Kaiza didn’t say anything further because clarification burned her lungs and withered her soul. Or so Zim theorized.

In her defense, it wasn’t as if he asked for an explanation.

That was a mistake.

The Premier Gemini Witch, capital letters practically audible, was tiny. A good foot and a half shorter than Zim–which, perhaps, wasn’t saying much since Zim was stringy and stretched out like the best kind of grilled cheese–which also put her eye level below Doctor Kaiza’s chin, even.

The Premier Gemini Witch was also surprisingly young.

“The youngest luminary on the council,” she agreed, so absent of tone that it was only fact, not brag.

The weirdest thing about all of it wasn’t that the Premier Gemini Witch had such a large presence despite her age and size, but that Kaiza was giving in to it and fawning over her.

Well, a cup of tea and a lack of paperwork or unimpressed eyebrows was practically fawning from the doctor.

Not even Nyx, a literal Devil’s Advocate, or Azrael–as in, yes, the actual Angel of Death–rated that kind of respect.

Zim seriously regretted not asking for more information.

The Premier Gemini Witch was one of twelve members of the Premier Witch Council. The council loosely ruled over the nation’s magical society: the luminaries weren’t a formal oligarchy, but they did have final say on large scale disputes and enforcement of the few laws that existed in their community. Less elected officials and more justices of the peace.

The luminaries were each the strongest of their kind, regardless of heritage or history or training. The Premier Taurus Witch was the strongest earth witch, an old woman over a century old and nearer to dryad than human. The Premier Sagittarius Witch was the only living being to have traveled beyond the planet’s atmosphere without billions of dollars, teams of scientists, tons of metal and rocket fuel, and a government agency.

The strangest thing about the Premier Gemini Witch was not that she had significant influence over the largest vampire clan in the nation–the two subspecies being notoriously at odds with each other–or that she had never undergone any kind of training before becoming a luminary. No, the strangest thing about the Premier Gemini Witch was that she was powerful enough to become a luminary despite only having access to half of her magic.

Traditionally, there were thirteen luminaries on the Premier Witch Council.

Traditionally, there were two Premier Gemini Witches.

The Premier Gemini Witch–“please, call me R”–would be staying in Belleview for one month.

If ever Zim had seen Doctor Kaiza nervous or flustered it was nothing compared to how she reacted to that news: bizarrely, coyly shy, like a teenage girl meeting her idol. Frankly? Zim was freaked the fuck out.

It wasn’t as if he bought into Kaiza’s emotionless, neutral reputation; he’d be a shitty sort-of student if he did–and her weird rivalry with Grey Investigations could only inspired by a level of pettiness born from the heart–but this was definitely a new side of the doctor that he had never seen before.

“But what is she here for?” Zim asked later, as he rearranged potion ingredients back to their original alphabetical organization under Kaiza’s displeased eye.

It was her turn to shrug, uncertain and noncommittal.

The Premier Gemini Witch was there to meet him.

The Premier Gemini Witch knew his mother.

The Premier Gemini Witch was his mother’s sister.

“I came to this town thinking I would reunite with my sister. Thinking that maybe the broken seal on our magic meant that she was willing to see me–willing to open communication, at least. But a year passed and nothing,” the Premier Gemini Witch–R, his aunt, his sister’s mother–said, voice curled around a heartbroken, resigned sigh.

His dad sometimes sounded like that, too, when he talked about Zim’s mom.

“And so I came to this town only to find that my sister has been dead for nearly a decade and I have a nephew whose magic I share but whose name I don’t even know.”

The Premier Gemini Witch–the second, missing Premier Gemini Witch–was Zim.

~

A/N: just a little redo of the Ot1 series, a different beginning and a different POV. Not as obviously adapted Teen Wolf fanfiction, maybe?

Will get back to Externality, no worries, this was written because I am on my phone and only have data not wi-fi.

Externality, part 4a (2017-06-27)

When Tetsuki wakes up again the dawn of the second day is beginning to creep through the sky, the clouds an increasingly more saturated lilac.

It’s a prettier sight than her partner’s jacket which has only gotten grungier after using his watch shift to further bolster their trap defense. Between the overt traps and the hidden ones she can kind of sense, she can’t figure out the safe path to exit–actually, she’s not sure there is a safe path to exit.

Naruto Uzumaki also presents her with two dead rabbits which he can barely look at. Apparently it’s one thing to know that they’ll make a good meal, it’s another to actually turn them into one. For now, she’ll let him turn away: he did good on catching them, she’s fine on being the one to clean and prepare them.

Next time, though, she’s tossing him in the deep end.

Stalking the bloated group of their eight classmates in the early morning is both more and less difficult than it was last night. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say frustrating.

They’re all awake–which is something in their favor, at least–but they’re noisy and sluggish, stumbling around and yawning, rubbing at bleary eyes. They seem to be in dire need of some kind of leadership but also seem to be lacking–they begin arguing amongst themselves on their next course of action, something that goes on for at least a quarter of an hour, before someone sarcastically suggests a vote.

After a few more minutes of shouting, they end up actually taking that vote.

Between herself and Naruto Uzumaki there is no need for that much structure. Except for that first negotiation, they both know what needs to be done and incorporate the other’s suggestions. If there is a leader between the two of them, she thinks it might be her, but only because Naruto Uzumaki has the kind of impulse control that needs to be actively curbed.

Finally the group decides to split up–some members remaining at the camp, which will act as a home base for everyone, and others going out to look for corresponding tokens.

For a moment, Tetsuki thinks they might be spotted, that their classmates may just get their acts together and fight these two loners hidden not twenty meters away who have four tokens between them. Even halved, she doesn’t think she and Naruto Uzumaki can take on a concentrated attack so outnumbered.

Instead, the deployed half decides to… split themselves up again?

If she weren’t so baffled and grateful, she thinks she’d be disappointed. Instead, all she can think of is Hikari-san saying: if this were wartime, they’d be dead.

Externality, part 3d (2017-06-26)

During her fourth year at the Academy, Tetsuki was brought in to T&I. A nerve wracking experience for anyone–T&I’s reputation being far from kind–because it’s designed to be so.

It’s especially awful for a ten year old who has no idea what she’s done wrong and why she’s being asked so many bewildering questions by a blonde man with a soft smile and lethally sharp eyes.

Beneath the layer of frenzied panic in her mind, Tetsuki was struck with the thought that no one would care if she disappeared. There was no one who would miss her, no one who would notice–or speak up if they did–just one of many Konoha orphans who mysteriously vanish.

She answered as truthfully as she could.

No, she does not know any Cloud nin.

No, she does not know anyone from Lightning country or of Lightning descent.

No, the boy she transformed into is not a real person.

He was just a boy that she imagined: when Yanagi-sensei told the class to practice their henge, with the condition that they couldn’t use anyone in the room as a template, Tetsuki was just completing the exercise.

Instead of transforming into someone she knew outside of the room–mostly because at that point, she didn’t really know people that weren’t also her classmates–she thought about that boy. Someone so opposite to her–dark skin to her pale, light hair to her dark, bright easy smile and an exuberance that couldn’t be overlooked.

She named him Ryohei and imagined that maybe, in another life, they might have been friends.

Instead, she was brought to T&I and realized that she had none.

Naruto Uzumaki does not look like him, different shades and shapes and even the smile is different. But maybe–in this life even–they might one day be friends.

~

A/N: Spoilers? This section references another mostly unwritten fanfic Trailblazers which is set in the Katekyo Hitman Reborn ‘verse where Tetsuki is “originally” from.

Writing Workshop – Concrit Please!

I just finished a draft of my script for the writing workshop and I would love it if everyone could take a look at it and comment with some constructive criticism!

The link is here–it’s a Google Doc which I’ve set so that people who have the link can comment.

My odds of getting my script produced increased because some people dropped out, so now I have a 3/14 chance!

Wish me luck! Or, better yet, point out the obviously awkward parts of my script! I’d appreciate it greatly! 😀

Externality is really exciting right now I love it.

image

Thanks! 😀

Externality is one of my many unwritten “one day” fanfics which I’ve always put off because I’ve been too scared to not write it perfectly. And then I realized… I’m never going to be able to write it perfectly. If I ever want this story written I’m going to have to just start no matter if it doesn’t match the fantasy version I have in my head.

So I’m glad you like it, because knowing that people enjoy this even if it’s not as “perfect” as I wanted it to be is heartening 🙂

Externality, part 3c (2017-06-25)

The moon is but a sliver of light at the apex of it’s journey when she is roughly shaken awake. Reflexively she strikes out, fist meeting rough cloth over boney flesh.

Naruto Uzumaki gives a yelp, more out of surprise than any pain, and that places Tetsuki even better than the cool night air or the dirt floor of sleeping outdoors. That, she’s done before, but never where another person might happen upon her.

“Sorry, sorry,” they both gibber at each other, unused to company and all the more hyperaware for it.

“It’s been an hour and a half,” Naruto Uzumaki says, sheepishly, which she might have guessed for herself–unless they were being attacked or someone had stumbled into one of their traps, there’s no reason for him to wake her up.

“A little more gently next time,” she responds, shaking off the sleep.

“Yeah, I figured.”

Four hours of rest and a REM cycle each–the other on watch while the other slept–should have energized them enough for a midnight raid or, at the very least, a decent scouting.

Their traps they keep up–both to protect their makeshift camp and because, frankly, they’re pretty good and she’s impressed by Naruto Uzumaki’s ingenuity–though while it would be nice to catch someone in them, they can’t actually depend on it. Maybe they’ll catch a rabbit to supplement their ration bars.

They’ve been spiraling inwards rather than cut through the training ground in straight lines; their camp on the northern edge of the east sector. This outing they’re aiming for the center on the logic that the river bisecting the training ground would be an attractive place for those with armbands to camp–not considering that they might need more defensible positions.

Neither of them are so stupid as to think that they’re the only ones to team up: for everyone else, so long as their colors don’t match, there shouldn’t be any conflict. And considering that the two of them–who are are independent at best and friendless at worst–still managed to form an alliance, they wouldn’t be surprised if their classmates did the same–teamwork is Konoha’s most valued virtue.

They’re not expecting to find a group of eight settled together, a smokeless fire pit and bedrolls and camping gear and everything. How…

Is that a tripod with a hanging pot over their fire? Is that stew? What’s next, a tent?

… comfortable.

Not very well defended: the few traps are half-hearted at best, trip wires obvious and shining, and even the person on watch–only one, never mind they had more than enough people to do a two person watch in a three shift rotation–was staring into the fire and ruining her night vision rather than looking outwards where threats would come from.

Tetsuki wants to take them out so badly.

From the way Naruto Uzumaki practically vibrates beside her, he must feel the same.

But not yet. Foolish and audacious as their camp may be, it would still be eight to two, and in an outright fight no way would that end favorably for her much smaller team of two.

“Recon only,” she hisses to him, no matter how tempting–wait, what if this is a trap? After a few moments and no trap is sprung, she decides that that’s just her paranoia at work.

Together they make a count of the group–six armband wearers, one of them flak jacket green, and two probable token holders. No one particularly outstanding in any one area. One of the boys is better at taijutsu than either of them, but the Neji Hyuuga disguise ought to discourage that.

They observe for two shift changes–one watcher every hour, how… quaint–before the both of them decide to go back to their own, less comfortable but better defended, camp.

They’ve got a raid to plan.

Externality, part 3b (2017-06-24)

By the time the sunset hits, forest canopy already turning the training ground dark, they’ve managed to find two more tokens–flak vest green and pale, pinkish peach.

“Alright!” Naruto Uzumaki cheers, “We’ve got this!”

She nods her head in agreement but doesn’t say anything. It’s true that three tokens in the first day is a decent haul, a great step towards completing their objectives. But she also knows that it definitely won’t be as easy as both time and the exam march onwards.

The remaining token holders that haven’t been hit will have gone to ground. Finding them–and specifically whoever has the copper one Tetsuki needs–will be an exercise in diligence and patience.

And that’s not even including the consequences of when news spread that two people–even if they’re not the right people–are ambushing token holders even without the matching armbands.

“We need to find a place for camp,” she says, checking the sky once more. She’s not tired, but not everyone has as awful a sleep schedule as she does.

“I can keep going,” he protests, arms waving as if to prove how energetic he still is.

It’s not as if she doubts him, it’s just. “We’ll regret not finding a secure spot later.”

Konoha at night isn’t too different from Konoha during the day–it is a ninja village after all, a great machine that functions at all hours, every day–but the both of them, for all that they’re in the Academy to one day become shinobi, still have the same civilian diurnal mindset. The same hindbrain instincts of prey animals who know that it’s not the dark which is dangerous, but the predators who use it as cover.

He doesn’t outrightly disagree, but he does bring up, “Wouldn’t it be better to attack at night? Maybe everyone else is thinking of resting while it’s dark, too.”

That’s a good point.

She says as much, because it’s an easy acknowledgement and Naruto Uzumaki blinks in pleased surprise when she does so.

They strike a compromise: for now, while the lingering light of the sun still remains, and while they’re still strong enough to search for another classmate or hold off an ambush against themselves, they’ll find a secure spot for camp. In shifts they’ll rest for a bit, until later in the night, when everyone else is either asleep or pushing the limits of their energy.

That’s when they’ll go out, refreshed, and hunt down their prey.

They are at the Academy to become shinobi, after all, it’s time they prove it.

Externality, part 3a (2017-06-23)

Immediately after agreeing on their alliance, Tetsuki and Naruto Uzumaki take to the treetops. A far enough distance away from each other that they won’t needlessly overlap in their search, but not too far that they can’t signal to each other to regroup.

Tokens first. They’ll be more difficult to grab.

The token holders are already on guard, know that they’re targets if not whose exactly–if they hole up successfully, hide away or build a strong enough camp, then there’s no touching them for the rest of the exam.

In comparison, armband wearers are the aggressors. They won’t expect anyone to attack them, safe in their knowledge that they’re the ones seeking not hiding. They can be put off for later, tomorrow even, when they’ve gotten complacent.

It’s only been an hour, two at most, since the exam officially began. It’s possible that some token holders haven’t yet settled down, haven’t yet found a defensible, concealable position.

Except for the three that started in the southern sector along with them, they don’t have much information to go on. Unlike the armband wearers, token holders won’t exactly mark themselves overtly, meaning the two of them may very well just have to accost everyone in hopes of getting a token.

And if it gets out that there are classmates without armbands ambushing people…

“How’s your henge?” Tetsuki asks, drawing close for their conversation–no need to alert everyone else by calling their plans out in the open–even as they maintain a steady pace to catch up with their classmates.

The grin Naruto Uzumaki gives is wide and sly, the epitome of a troublemaker.

Tetsuki feels herself smiling back.

A few hours later, when they spot a classmate alone and with no armband in sight, it’s easy enough to take him down, outnumbered and surprised as he is. Knocking him out, tying him up, and getting a sky blue token for their efforts.

Still, it’s her idea to disguise themselves so when he does wake up, word of what they’re doing won’t spread too fast. Or, at the very least, not correctly.

It’s Naruto Uzumaki’s idea on who they disguise themselves as.

She gives it until noon tomorrow before tales of Neji Hyuuga and Rock Lee working together wind their way through the ranks of the class.

Fake Fic Summaries, 21/? the Saito x Adrik edition (2017-06-22)

A/N: Expelling this from my brain because I would like to focus on Externality and/or my writing workshop homework and this is quite distracting.

Also, I know Adrik goes by Korak in the Dawn Republic and I will tag as both but the above heading is just so that people are clear that in no way will Saito ever meet/fall in love/start a relationship with a literal murdering slaver that is actual!Korak.

So…

Anyway, have this random brainstorm.

~

New Tricks, Old Dogs

Saito has already had the loves of his life: a wife who he will always cherish and a son who he will never forget.

Jiǔtóu is not his family’s replacement, he is just a tiefling looking out for another tiefling. His fondness and protectiveness for her now doesn’t rewrite his past, but it is a good reminder that, for all that he’s lost, his heart is not completely dead.

He has no idea what the fuck that overgrown lizard has to do with anything.

~

… if ever I do write this (which I probably won’t because… um… well. Even if it were on my list of things to write, it’s a pretty long list) I’ll probably rewrite that summary, but for now that’s what the gist of this is: two old dogs bafflingly/grudgingly falling in love despite all the odds of, you know, the understandable hostility from Saito’s end.

Basically, despite very much not wanting to go to Talis’Val which is ruled by a dragonborn and has awful parallels to the life of slavery he barely escaped, Saito’s not going to let Jiǔtóu do the same without reluctantly being there in case she ever wants to leave immediately and never return, what do you say, kid?

And he has enough gold to retire and do nothing, yeah, even in the nice neighborhoods of Talis’Val, but that gets really fucking boring really fucking quick. There’s only so many times he can get shitfaced at the nearest bar and amaze people by his literal endless amounts of gold before that gets old.

He’s a fantastic dungeoneer because he’s clever and enjoys puzzles and he likes the thrills even more than the treasure (or, rather, now that he doesn’t need the treasure, he still likes the thrills). So he becomes a sort of adjunct member of whatever guild of adventurers the main party eventually create and does more consulting for them whenever there’s any ancient tombs or whatever that need exploring.

And it lets him keep an eye on Jiǔtóu in case, hey kid, that offer’s still open, I know you’ve got a sweet deal here but you know what’s really great? Not being potentially enslaved again by that dragonborn bastard running this place.

Anyway, Saito’s reputation gets pretty good. He becomes the go-to guy for weird dungeoneering problems–even without the main party being there, he starts to offer his services to the various people of Talis’Val. There are, after all, a lot of unexplored temples and such under the city which the various religious sects would be interested in. And the various schools of magic would appreciate someone with a deft hand at retrieving magical artifacts or even just translating some ancient texts that reference *insert cool spell here*

He doesn’t mind the city so much, even if it is clearly ruled by a bunch of incompetents at best or traitors at worst. (But doesn’t that just figure given who the Champion is)

And of course, at some point Korak shows up at their guild hall–where Saito kind of hangs around like a feral old tomcat–probably looking for the main party, and instead finding an old tiefling who would like nothing better than to stab him in the eyeballs but refrains because Jiǔtóu would be disappointed in him.

Hm… that seems a bit of a too hostile beginning. Let’s try that again…

Korak finds, instead, an old tiefling who makes snide insults and is of no help whatsoever in saying where the main party are and basically disrespects Korak as both Champion and a person.

It is, somewhat, refreshing in comparison to all the bureaucracy and talking in circles. All of Korak’s friends disrespect him and snark at him–that may be where the confusion starts.

And then the whole enemies/rivals (for Jiǔtóu’s daughterly affections?) to friends to lovers schtick, you know how it goes.  

Just two old bastards who have seen too much and are tired but not dead yet somehow falling in love.

Frankly, I’m not sure why this has been plaguing my brain because if ever I’ve shipped a rare pair, this must surely be the rarest.