(2/2) These days, I wouldn’t go back more than a couple months, if that. I’ve made a dear, dear friend; she and I started dating, even, and I don’t want to take any chance that we wouldn’t meet–it’s worth the potentialities and “what if"s of a live lived with more experience. But I don’t know if that’s selfish of me, or if being willing to go back in time and start over is more selfish, you know?
I sometimes have this thought as well, anon. Except my reasoning is a little more pessimistic, perhaps. Like: “I’ve done nothing significant with my life, if I went back in time I would try to be a better version of myself.”
Now, in my slightly less depressed but still pessimistic thoughts I think “my life hasn’t been completely awful, who’s to say if I went back and changed things that I wouldn’t just make things terrible or, worse, just end up doing the same exact thing.”
And so basically, I suppose what I’m saying is that being satisfied with your life–accepting what’s happened and how it’s shaped you–is a sign that you’re doing better. That mentally and emotionally, you’ve forgiven yourself, though I doubt you were at fault at all–there is always an amount of guilt that comes from losing someone close to you.
I for one am happy for you that you’ve met someone–someone that makes you want to live this life, this timeline. I don’t think it’s selfish of you at all, even if you were capable of time travel.
You’re allowed to be happy, anon, you’re allowed to be satisfied with your life.
Yes it’s sad to have lost loved ones, that will always be a wound that scars us, but not being constantly weighed down by regret and grief is not the same as being selfish.
I don’t know if this is reassuring for you, anon, or it it’s helpful in anyway, but thank you for sharing and I hope this life continues to be one you want to embrace.